I read an article by Judith Simmer-Brown on the notion of romantic love. My understanding of how she
conceptualized romantic love is that it’s similar to pursuing “unattainable” but desired qualities. She
describes how romantic love thrives on separation, fantasy, passion, and suffering. She states that
“…romantic love glorifies unhappiness”.
Reading this article caused me to reflect on Bollywood (and later Hollywood) movies I grew up with. The
notion of someone going to the end of the world, through hell and high water, to let me know how deep
their love is. The spontaneous romantic love song with the entourage of synchronized dancers. The
sudden switch from rags to riches (and the numerous dress changes within the song). When I finally
realized how Bollywood movies affected me, I stopped watching them. But Hollywood, with some of its
more sedated versions of Bollywood’s “romantic love”, insidiously feeds that cycle.
Simmer-Brown discusses the notion that disappointment can actually be the opportunity for love to
emerge, as it requires us to face our basic fears. What is so fascinating is how this relates to the notion
of vulnerability and fear. We react in a variety of ways when we are anxious, fearful, and stressed, and
seek security. Sometimes we find comfort in our fantasized versions of what we believe will keep us
whole, accepted, and calm.
How intriguing that, in part, we need to feel this very emotion we avoid. This is something that may
emerge when we are trying something new. However, while to some degree I see how we need this
“romantic love”, we do need to reconceptualize what love is. I once completed an application for a
reality show that asked this very question. It really made me think about this concept and how
Cinderella almost killed me. Growing up with false information about what love is really leads to
disappointment down the line. Lots of cognitive distortions may result from this.
So we need to look at the messages given about what love should be vs. what love is. While it’s nice to
break out into a song once in a while with a potential love interest, it’s not necessarily something that
will happen every hour.
Simmer-Brown, J. (2010). Romantic Vision vs. Everyday Disappointment. Shambhala Sun p. 42.
